She found it....paradise. October started out to be a good month, it marked the beginning of my three favorite months of the year. I had 3 weddings to shoot in this month,
one in San Diego, one at Harris Ranch and the last one in San Francisco. October 16th started out typical, my plan of the day was wake up,
make sure all of my camera gear was ready for the wedding that afternoon, shoot the wedding, head back home. Life had other plans for that day.
I woke up, got my camera gear ready, shot the wedding and the entire day feeling as though something was off, I felt off, I felt like I forgot how to
take pictures, I wasn't connecting almost the entire day, I wasn't sure why I just felt so blah that day, it was odd for me especially because it was a wedding
for two people who I know, Dylan the groom, Ive known since he was 2 or 3...I really felt like their wedding days of all wedding days was going to be so easy
to shoot and so much fun being around so many people I know...but like I said, I just felt "off".
I finished up and headed back to the Valenzuela's house to get some sleep before heading home the next day but then Nico called me.
The phone call.
He called me and asked if I could go into Nile and Sofia's bedroom to talk. He pretty much needed to say no more. I knew something was wrong.
He said, "Amy, we have to talk...I have to tell you something" I have to say, Nico is one of the strongest men ever, he knew about Alyssa before I even
shot the wedding and sat there all Sunday knowing that we had lost our daughter Alyssa and held it in until I shot the wedding I was in SF to shoot. How
he did it I'll never know and it saddens me every time I think about how he had to sit there and go through this on his own, he was the one who had to deliver this
message to each one of us...first Dominic, then Corbin, then Brenna and I. So he said that he needed to tell me something and I at first thought something had happened to Corbin because he had been down in downtown San Diego at the Occupy Wall Street protest...but no, he said, "It's about Alyssa, Amy".
That was it, it was all that needed to be said. I knew.
This was it, "the call" that I somehow always felt like I was going to get. My heart dropped and when it dropped, it shattered. It wasn't just a break feeling, it was literally a shatter, a million pieces, I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, I couldn't process. "We lost her today" he said.
"what??? that's not true Nico, no she isn't gone, it's not true, she's only 22, she's ok, someone is lying to us I just know it. If it's possible for a soul to cry, for it to
scream and yell and ache and break, mine did. Sofia came into the room right after Nico told me, I will never forget her face when she walked into the room. Where was Brenna? My poor sweet Brenna, she was down the hall in another bedroom getting her stuff ready to start the drive back home. I knew she heard me crying, yelling, crying and crying, I so badly didn't want it all to play out the way that it did, I didn't want Brenna to hear me crying, to hear that we lost her sister, I never wanted Brenna, or Dominic or Corbin or Lucas to have to hear that their sister Alyssa was gone.
Look at me, today marks 2 weeks since we lost her and I still can't even bring myself to type or say the "D word" I feel as though if I say it or type it then it's
true and I know that it is but I am having a very hard time believing it. I had just talked to her on the phone, she had just texted me that she loved me.
"Hey mum" I haven't gotten that text for two weeks now and my soul aches for that text to come. It's not going to. My Alyssa is gone. Typing that puts a huge
lump in my throat, I can't swallow, I can't breathe, I feel like I have been walking thru the past two weeks in a complete fog. I see other people living, laughing,
walking, talking and I think....don't they know? How can they be happy? I have to remind myself that everyone doesn't know...this isnt some movie, this is real
life and life has to continue to move forward. Slowly I will know that life is continuing it's just going to be different, I am a member of a club now that I never ever
wanted to be a part of. "Parents who have lost a child" Welcome to the club, Nico and Amy! {club rules: you will look at everything differently, you will cry for a
very long time, when people ask you how many children you have you will find yourself fumbling for the right way to say it...Do I say that I have 5 children but one
of them as passed away? When asked how old my children are do I give their ages and then silently, in my head I will say Alyssa is 22....she will forever be 22. You will have to sit and wait for your childs death certificate to come in the mail with much different emotions than you had when you awaited their birth certificate, you will cling to anything and everything that you child touched, wore, wrote on, everything...the list goes on}
I want Alyssa back.
I want closure.
I want to hear her voice again
I want to hear her sing.
I want to see one of her new drawings.
I want to hear one of her accents
I want to look over at the computer desk and see her on Photoshop and the Sopranos playing on a little screen up in the corner.
I want to see her snuggled up in the chair with a sketchpad and her watching Roseanne.
I want to see her in the kitchen making Lucas a waffle covered in peanutbutter and syrup
I want to see her "arting" with Lucas
I want to see her teaching Dominic something about drawing
I want.
I want.
I want.
I wish that everyone could have known her ability to make people laugh...I will forever miss her sarcasm, I will miss how she had a song to sing for everything. Matilda just came on the t.v. Alyssa always reminded me of her. Oh man. I miss her. A fellow photographer friend of mine Natalie who lost her sweet baby boy Gavin almost a year ago emailed me this...."The best advice anyone ever gave me after my son died was this: "remember, grief is a tunnel, not a cave." It is true. It will feel like a cave, more often than not at first I'm afraid, but there is light at the end of the journey, and you WILL navigate your way through if you just allow yourself to keep on walking. Feel every ounce of pain, every ounce of fear, every ounce of anger. . . just let it all wash over you, don't run away from any of your feelings. Acknowledge them, really FEEL them, and continue to move through." Im walking...baby steps....15 minutes at a time...aching to see that light that I know is there. "Hey mum" Alyssa, my child, I love you. You are my first born, the first one to make me a mommy, the first one to break my heart as you grew up and wanted to do your own thing, the first one to make me smile and laugh when hearing your first words, seeing your first drawings, you were my first and everything with you was a first. I am so sorry that some of the wiles of the world found their way into your world, I am so sorry that I couldn't guard you from people who did such damage to your fragile little self, I am so sorry that I couldn't fix you. I am however content in knowing that at the end of it all, you are finally able to rest, no more crying, no more worry, or stress, or sadness, or being scared, no more sorrow. you went to sleep and you entered into a place of love, safety, light and happiness. I know that you're there, I know that you found God, I know that He took up residence in your heart, I know that you knew. sleep peacefully my dearest chichileah
Her cousin Alana made this video for her.
I want closure.
I want to hear her voice again
I want to hear her sing.
I want to see one of her new drawings.
I want to hear one of her accents
I want to look over at the computer desk and see her on Photoshop and the Sopranos playing on a little screen up in the corner.
I want to see her snuggled up in the chair with a sketchpad and her watching Roseanne.
I want to see her in the kitchen making Lucas a waffle covered in peanutbutter and syrup
I want to see her "arting" with Lucas
I want to see her teaching Dominic something about drawing
I want.
I want.
I want.
I wish that everyone could have known her ability to make people laugh...I will forever miss her sarcasm, I will miss how she had a song to sing for everything. Matilda just came on the t.v. Alyssa always reminded me of her. Oh man. I miss her. A fellow photographer friend of mine Natalie who lost her sweet baby boy Gavin almost a year ago emailed me this...."The best advice anyone ever gave me after my son died was this: "remember, grief is a tunnel, not a cave." It is true. It will feel like a cave, more often than not at first I'm afraid, but there is light at the end of the journey, and you WILL navigate your way through if you just allow yourself to keep on walking. Feel every ounce of pain, every ounce of fear, every ounce of anger. . . just let it all wash over you, don't run away from any of your feelings. Acknowledge them, really FEEL them, and continue to move through." Im walking...baby steps....15 minutes at a time...aching to see that light that I know is there. "Hey mum" Alyssa, my child, I love you. You are my first born, the first one to make me a mommy, the first one to break my heart as you grew up and wanted to do your own thing, the first one to make me smile and laugh when hearing your first words, seeing your first drawings, you were my first and everything with you was a first. I am so sorry that some of the wiles of the world found their way into your world, I am so sorry that I couldn't guard you from people who did such damage to your fragile little self, I am so sorry that I couldn't fix you. I am however content in knowing that at the end of it all, you are finally able to rest, no more crying, no more worry, or stress, or sadness, or being scared, no more sorrow. you went to sleep and you entered into a place of love, safety, light and happiness. I know that you're there, I know that you found God, I know that He took up residence in your heart, I know that you knew. sleep peacefully my dearest chichileah
Her cousin Alana made this video for her.