I've been feeling heavy-hearted this past week, missing Alyssa and crying alot.
I looked at my calendar from last year and realized why. This week a year ago Nico and I
got a call telling us that Alyssa was in a hospital in Oregon after suffering a heart attack.
Those kinds of phone calls are so rattling. We knew it wasn't a call with good news. Nico and I
rushed into panic mode and figured out how we were going to get to Oregon to be with Alyssa.
We ended up driving, making a pit stop in San Fran to drop off Dominic and Lucas with our family/friends.
Nico and I have never gone away alone together since getting married...and this trip was a trip that
we wished we never had to make. Our girl, our 21 year old girl was laying in a medically induced coma
and alone. We finally arrived in Oregon and rushed to be by her side...I remember walking into the room
and seeing her little tiny frame in what looked like such a huge bed and she was covered with tubes, wires,
beeping noises, charts, and she had her own nurse who sat right next to her watching a computer that was
telling her everything about Alyssas rates and levels.
I remember standing there just looking at her begging to God to let this be something that saves her
in the long run, let this be the thing that gets the Dr's on our side, let this be the instance that
will bring her to some help with what she was going through.
Ive never really come right out and talked about it because I have always wanted to protect her from
looks and comments, she looked terribly fragile on the outside but her inside was a hundred times more
delicate. My gosh was she an amazingly funny girl...I sit and think back at so many things that she used
to say, I mean, we had so many inside jokes and one-liners. She was always trying to catch a break, always
trying to go somewhere....uphill...both ways...all she ever wanted was her own little place, her own space,
her art, her family and to one day be able to not think about throwing up.
My girl was a fighter. I was a fighter for her, we are both fighters. I always hid things for her, not
that she would ask me to, but if I took pictures of her, I would erase scars, the traces and marks on her
arms that showed she was a cutter. I remember the day that we were outside taking these pictures, I told her
not to worry, that I would cover the marks...and she said to me, "Mom, they are a part of me, they are proof
to me that I hurt and that is how I dealt with it..." Oh Lyss.
My hope that in opening up about this and showing people, that it will bring some sort of awareness to the
struggle that people go through every single day, a struggle and an affliction that slowly takes our loved
ones away from us. I just want people to look at my girl and not think, "Oh my gosh, why didn't she just eat and
that is so disgusting that she cut herself"
Compassion my friends...at some point in our lives we are all going to be seeking it from the people around
us, or from complete strangers.
I read two different blogs about other families who have lost children... this family lost their sweet baby girl Ruby last year. This
family lost their sweet little boy this past Christmas Eve
and this family is fighting a fight for not one but two of
their gorgeous babies...today Livvy's mama posted on Facebook that Livvy was in critical mode today, I've
been thinking of her all day today, of her mama, her daddy and her siblings, today sounds like it's a hard
day in their home, we had alot of those days with Alyssa...I know that right now Livvys mom is wishing and
praying that she could take her daughters hurts and make them her own..pray for all of these families.
See the hurt, show compassion.
I wish I had an afternoon with Alyssa...life is so different for me now, I look at things so differently. I feel
like I am always marking a calendar in my head, recording dates, everything has different meanings. It's usually
something so simple that puts me into a quiet mode where I just get lost in thoughts, memories of her, I try to
pause when those moments come to me and just soak them up because I get so afraid that if I don't, Im going to
forget those feelings. I know that one day Alyssa and I are going to have a chat, shes going to show me her new body,
she's wont have to hide her arms, she wont have to hide anything. Today, this afternoon is a day where I'd like
to just sit with her, listen to Iron and Wine, watch her draw, listen to her sing along....and just feel her
sharing the same space with me. For right now.....shes just saving a spot for me under an oak tree.
she might have been drawing something like this....
she always drew the coolest things. Everytime I look at this I see something different.