Soaring.

I don't feel so much as though a new year has just started, not for me. I feel as though my marker started on October 16th 2011 and my new year won't begin until October 16th 2012 comes to me, there is still a long way to go. This year I will learn how to greet the mornings with a happy feeling again, I'm going to make sure to keep the fire burning, to start mending the giant hole kicked in my heart. Alyssa isn't coming back, but I know that she is all over the place, in her laugh that I will keep hidden in my head and my heart, her dimples, her art all over the place, her notes that I keep finding all over the place, I feel so blessed to have had her physically in my life for 22 years, 4 months and 11 days.
1989 gave me my girl, 2011 claimed her, I've learned so much about this life since losing Alyssa, I feel like I look at things with a completely different pair of eyes, things look different, music sounds different, Heaven feels even more like home, Alyssa is there. She's my little bird....my song bird.

The birds they sang
The break of day
Start again I hear them say
It's so hard to just walk away

The birds they sang
All a choir
Start again a little higher
It's a spark in the sea of grey

The sky is blue
Dreamed that lie till its true
Then taking back the punch I threw
My arms turn wings
Oh those clumsy things
Send me up to that wonderful world.

And then I'm up with the birds

Might have to go, where they don't know my name.
Float all over the world just to see her again
But I won't show or feel any pain
Even though all my armor might rust in the rain
A simple plot
But I know one day
Good things are coming our way.

{Coldplay}

To my family....let's remember this together...the chaos as it swirls, it's us against the world. I love you, with every fiber.
To my Lyss...thank you for being my daughter, thank you for leaving little imprints everywhere, even in writing this I still can't believe you're gone, my desire is to think of something happy that you left me with every time I get sad.

One of her notes....
{My heart is a fickle friend of mine. Some days she wants nothing more than stability and comfort, the "known". Then there are days when it's all I can do to keep her from making me just up and go, not knowing what's going to happen, the opening credits of an indie movie playing in my mind. Why do I think like this? Why can't I just...be? I am restless. I know it. If I'm not mentally stimulated for less than a half hour I get...almost angry, definitely annoyed. I just feel like I'm running myself into the ground, trying to live this life I envisioned, and nothing has even happened for me. I go crazy trying to find work, imagining what my future house will look like, living an imaginary life in my mind where I have it all. And sadly, my "it all" isn't even up to everyone else's standards...all I want is work, home and happiness. And I want it to be mine that I've earned, not sold my soul for like I do everyday.

I want the happiness of living my dreams, the past melting away....I just...want....to sing.}